Diamond Bowls and Island-Hopping Hamsters
I have loved writing for a long time and knew that I wanted to be a writer since I was six years old. As I got older, I realized that I have been torn between the artistic side of my personality and the more scientific, analytical part of my personality. I was more creative as a child because I had significantly fewer pressures on me – mainly, the pressure to earn an income. Now, I have a job in tech and feel more constraints.
As a child, I wrote a story about a girl who embarked on an adventure to save her neighbor’s diamond bowl (I had no idea how expensive diamonds were at that age), a hamster living in Hawaii who swam between islands to save his friends, and a horse who traveled all the way from Chincoteague Island to Washington state (I can’t remember why, exactly).
The theme I notice in all of these stories, among the many others I wrote between the ages of 6 through roughly 12 years old, is that I wasn’t afraid to be a little silly, to stumble. In hindsight, a hamster who can swim between Hawaiian islands does sound a little unreasonable, to say the least, but I had fun with it and let my imagination be free.
A Square Peg in A Round Hole (Or However the Saying Goes…)
When I started this blog six months ago, I was finally able to tap into the creative side of my brain which has been screaming for attention for years. I currently work as a User Experience Researcher at a Fortune 50 home-improvement company. (Here’s a handy explanation of what a User Experience Researcher does.) What that means is I use research methods like interviews, surveys, and focus groups to investigate how customers interact with various aspects of the company, for example, the “add to cart” experience online or a particular experience customers have while in the store.
While this role certainly enables me to dig into the psychology-obsessed scientific side of my brain, my creative side has atrophied. Not to mention, I haven’t had any way to express my love of fashion beyond, perhaps, getting creative with what I wear to the office.
Last fall, I thought that I would create content in the form of videos to be posted on TikTok and Instagram, but I soon realized that I felt extremely uncomfortable in front of the camera. And, notably, I couldn’t keep up with posting more than once or twice a week, which is significantly less than what someone should post if they want to grow on those apps.
After a few months of this, and with hardly any traction, I took a look inward and thought – why reinvent the wheel here? Writing is what has always called my name, not being in front of the camera.
Coming Home to Writing (In Spite of My Worries)
Starting this blog felt like a natural next step. I could let my creative side flourish while also tapping into the part of me that loves digging into research. What I soon encountered, however, was something similar to what I felt when I was posting on Instagram and TikTok – a fear of being perceived.
Where does that come from? I wish I knew, but it’s kept me from writing much of anything for the last six months. Knowing how excited I felt about this blog and the sheer volume of ideas that I was coming up with now that I had a creative outlet, I felt immense shame about not writing, which thus compounded upon itself the more time went on.
I haven’t even told my family or friends about the blog, because I know that the more people who read, the more I will overthink everything (at least at this stage in my journey – I’m hoping to grow past that). I’m putting all of this out there to bring some light to the shame I’ve been carrying, hoping that naming it might help me move through this writer’s block. I also hope that if any of this resonates with you, whether you’re an aspiring writer or something else, you know that you’re not alone in feeling that way.
Tech Pays the Bills, but Creativity Feeds the Soul
When I was a kid, I could spend hours writing – I would completely lose track of the world around me and become fully immersed in the world I was creating. I’m now in adulthood, relying on my highly analytical full-time job to pay my bills. While I can’t go back to childhood, nor would I want to, I would suggest that everyone think about what made them the happiest when they were younger.
I continuously tried to squash my creative side, since I don’t come from an especially creative family, and I didn’t see this career path modeled for me. I’ve kept coming back to writing over the years, though, and I can’t let myself ignore this passion any longer.
What do you feel you keep coming back to? Whatever it is, I hope you allow yourself to fully embrace it!
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